New Music - Evanescence & Lacuna Coil

I took this morning off from writing and editing and have just be relaxing, listening to music on Youtube and catching up on some odds and ends projects that I have been neglecting.

Lately, my music collection has been a little lethargic. When I'm writing I want to listen to something that is really gritty, has lots of distortion and a gallop kind of tempo to it, but - of course - I'm a sucker for those moody gothic girls who like to complain ad nauseam about how miserable life is in paradise, so I started listening to Evanescence this morning and have to say - nice job Amy Lee.

I'm not a big fan of their first album, Fallen. I listened to it way too much several years ago and I just can't stomach it anymore. Plus, it was my X's CD and, well, along with Korn - NO THANKS!  But, I have been listening to Evanescence's second two albums and will tell you - it is some really good music. It will definitely be used as writing music in the near future.

Another band that I'm really excited about is Lacuna Coil. They are an Italian Goth Metal band. One of their great songs is here. Take a listen:





I absolutely love this song, and the video - with their frocks - it is perfect!

1130 + Words - Artistic Integrity - Release Dates

I managed to knock out around 1130 words this morning. I got it down by 8am and then forced myself to stop so I could attend to some clients. Afterward, I jumped into my edits of The Preparation and finished the scene with Warren and the message he received. I think it turned out pretty good. I think this means tomorrow I start editing Chapter 5.

I just finished listening to an interview with Amy Lee from Evanescence. I stumbled there on Youtube because I had been putting together a writing playlist (you can find it here) and found We are the Fallen. Come to find out, this is Ben's new band [who was in Evanescence] and they were talking about how they were being compared to that original group but didn't want to be. Then I did some more reading and found out that Amy keeps kicking people out of the band, and they're all pretty hostile about it. So, I ended up watching the interview hoping she would say something about the member changes and she did. I thought it was pretty interesting [since there are always two sides to every situation].

She made the comment that she wanted to be honest and write music that stretched her, that basically challenged her as an artist. But, she said writing with Ben was stifling because he wanted their music to be more commercially accessible, easy to understand, more straightforward.

This shocked me, because I think this way [not the latter, the former]. I thought a lot about this today when I was working on a Business Plan [eventually scrapping the biz plan altogether and going with just a simple marketing plan]. I'm not interested in tailoring my writing to make it more commercially acceptable. Yes, I would like to get paid for my effort. Yes, I wouldn't mind making Hocking money - be able to live my life and focus all my energies on just writing great stories that I love and hopefully others would love, too. But, I'm not interested in switching from my current genre to - say, vampires - just because blood suckers are a popular ticket right now. I don't write for others, I write for myself. I would be ABSOLUTELY thrilled if someone else [meaning, a multitude] read and liked my stories - but it is not the main reason why I write. I write because I love my charaters, I love the stories and I want them to come out - to live, to breathe.

I think, if what Amy Lee said was true, she is right and justified in her decision to change up members in order to hold on to her integrity. Of course, no one really can know what's going on in that band but the members themselves. And who really cares, anyway? Some people just feed on [and often create] interpersonal drama in their life. I suppose. It is a way of life, but no life I would ever want to live. No thanks. But many, if not most, would say the same about living in the back of a pickup truck out in the woods - which, of course, I think is a sublime way to live. Here is the video.




In the end, you have to be honest with yourself and protect what is yours. You are the only one you are stuck living with for the rest of your life, so you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. The relationship with yourself is the only one yo have to make work. All the rest is just utter wreckage.

800+ Words But Getting Nothing Done

I jumped into it this morning and knocked out 800 words, even after getting up an hour late and having to get ready for the JWs to come by. They have been visiting for a few months now, and I love chattering with them about the bible. Not sure I agree with their eschatology [nor will I be breaking my self-imposed isolation, either], but who am I to judge, right? In the end, they didn't come after all - they had some sort of function to go to. I think their like Amway but without the cars, boats and dreams of piles of money [did you notice there I said "dreams"?].

I've noticed that I am barely able to get my routine tasks done in one day. It's not work crowding in, by any means. Actually, I think I just have too many things I'm trying to do each day, so I just get bogged down. Plus, my projects are really quite intensive. I start writing and it takes me a few hours. Then a few more hours to do edits. Then a few more hours to do research and work on outlines for upcoming books to write. Don' t get me wrong, I love it. But by the time I'm done with just that it's already noon, and I haven't touched any of my task list, nor have I read any books that are sitting on my Good Reads shelf.

Not sure how to solve the problem, either. And what's worse: there are even more things that I would like to do that I simply just don't have time for now: like work through my math books, read my the physical books I got from my sister when she moved [there's a whole box of them], etc. I wish Uberman Sleep actually worked [or, at least, worked better for my schedule], then I could have - well only a few more hours, since I only sleep about 5-7 hours now each night. So, maybe 4 more hours. But, man, does Uberman kill you during the first transition. Besides, it definitely doesn't work with my clients.

I started working on the first soundtrack for THE PREPARATION. It's got some really good songs on it - all of the best I've been listening to while doing the edits and possibly when I was writing it, though I wrote the bulk of it in Astoria, so I don't really remember what I was listening to then; a lot of John Mayer, I think. And Five for Fighting. I should probably add them to the soundtrack then. I'll be uploading it to iTunes and also to Youtube and posting both here on the blog when the book is released on Amazon.

I also watched two short interviews on youtube with Amanda Hocking. I have been reading a month of posts on her site each night. She is my moral support in a way. She gives me hope. I mean, if I could sell just a FRACTION of what she does, I would accomplish my goals and be able to live off what I make from books. In the end I'm just a rabbit living in a hole; reminds me of this guy. In fact, lets see a picture of it.

This would literally be paradise for me, though I wouldn't want to hunch down and have to crawl inside. My dream house is just big enough for a single bed [just wide enough and long enough to sleep on], with a small counter/table on the opposite wall for cooking, writing, storage, etc. Above that would be a window length opening of a spectacular view [like a lake or deep forests]. The dwelling would be under ground, ground level would be the bottom of the window. A decent sized door at the foot of the bed to get out. That's it.

You can find Dan at Moonlight Chronicles.

1300+ But Forgot to Post...

So, there I was, the best day ever for number of words written, and I went off to dreamland and forgot to write about it on my blog. Go figure. 

That's right. More than 1300 words put in yesterday. SEEKING LIGHT AURORA is coming along nicely. When I finished the outline I came away a little concerned that there were not enough scenes - in fact I didn't have "scenes" just what I thought were chapter summaries. Some were pretty long, others were scant on details. But the whole of the story was there. I thought maybe it would be a novella, but I wasn't sure. My first book THE PREPARATION came in at just over 500 pages when I finished it. IN THE MEADOW came in at around half that. So, I have no idea what my newest work will look like once it's finished. But I do know, as I write, entire scenes [that I did not previously see] are being uncovered. The story is playing out it's own way.

No Fringe last night, but I did get to watch The Mentalist, It's Always Sunny in Phili and the Secret Circle [which is starting to get kind of stupid].  But that is the way of entertainment, I suppose. It's why I like writing books. Once the story is over, it's over. You don't have to stretch it out if you don't want to. You always have the opportunity for a series, but it's not necessary. Only if the characters demand it. 

Oh, almost forgot. Last night while working with a client, the idea surfaced of Vampire Monks. Then I thought, "no, no - that's been done" Played with it, chewed on it, dusted the dirt away from the dig site, and sure enough the story trying to get out did. It is a group of monks in a nondescript, remote area that are acting very strange for the new novitiate, Jeremy. There will be some surprises [but no vampires, thank God] and I haven't figured out yet the entire plot. But if you have any ideas, let me know. Maybe I'll incorporate your ideas and dedicate the book to you. ;-) 

Anyway, off to write. Still have a little bit of time before work. Until.....tonight!

A Grand of Words + A Bag of Hopes = My Dreams

Okay, now here is my nightly post on "writing" topics. Ya right. ;-) I jumped into the bag this morning, bright and early, and knocked out a whopping 400 words. I looked up and said, "Wow. I haven't done much today." But I was ready to quit for the day. Of course, I fail to mention that I turned my alarm off this morning at 5am and rolled back over and went to sleep. For some reason I feel like I'm not getting enough sleep at night, yet, I can't get my body to go to sleep any earlier at night. Go figure.

So I knuckled back down and kept writing. I came up for air a little while later and had 600+ words. Nope. Not good enough [even though my original goal was 500 words per day]. Back into the mine I went, shovel and axe-pick in hand, ready to work. I was struggling with a difficult vein this morning; Terrance and Karii talking out by the cemetery. It's awfully warm in Aurora, and I had no idea that was the case when I wrote the outline. I didn't know it until Karii opened the door and jumped down out of her semi truck and noticed it. It kind of shocked me, to tell you the truth. But knowing what I know about the peculiar situation she is in, I'm not the least bit surprised. But warm in Alaska - above the Arctic Circle?

Anyway, I finished the scene and took a deep breath before I checked the word count in OpenOffice. Yep. 1000+ words. Grand [no, not a grand as in money, grand, as in great!] Then I moved over to THE PREPARATION and started editing a scene with Yousef. It was the first place he appears in the story - I like him. And I like his fiance, Nora, too. I hope to do more with them in the sequel to THE PREPARATION.

I found a blog tonight that I really liked. It was Lisa Thibault Pietsch's site and I quite enjoyed some of her articles. She is a paranormal author [not sure yet if this is what I am, though my first book is pre-apocalypse pseudo-Christian and my second novel is about a young woman who starts to see ghosts of dead girls; I guess that is "other" than normal], but I haven't read any of her stuff yet. I do like her biz talk on books and publishing. So, I thought I would share.  

Well, I'm already in bed and it's late at night, which means it's TV time. It's Thursday, so there is lots to watch tonight. Going to start off with some Parks & Recreation, then work into some Community, followed up by The Big Bang Theory. Love that TV [well, I don't watch anything on an actual television anymore - so I would have to clarify - I love that Netbook!].

Until tomorrow..............

Side Note [on life] - Hell = Other People

Okay, this is not a post about writing or books. It's a post about life and about that twisted, demented, grotesque creature known as other people. I just finished a session with a client, strolled into my humble abode, sat down in my command chair, ushering in the world at my fingertips [internet] and guess what was playing on my netbook? This song:



I love it - ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT - and it just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by its cover [or in this case an album by an unknown band that you downloaded late at night and then just put in your collection for some reason you can't even remember]. It positively sums up my personal opinion of people in general, familial responsibility and obligation specifically - and well, the song says it best.

Sorry for this off topic post, but I just had to put this somewhere and, well, it's my blog and I'm gonna do what I want with it. It is a James Bond 4-Hour-Work-Week after all, isn't it?

Beautiful Day

My new MP4 player works GRRRREAT! In fact, I plugged it into the speakers that usually power the sat-lite and listened to 473 songs all night. It was splendid. I woke up this morning and jumped right into 800+ words in SEEKING LIGHT AURORA and then spent the rest of the morning [between work] editing the next scene in THE PREPARATION. My task software is always working as it should be, and I got done today two tasks that have been haunting me for at least a month or more. They are done - just like that - and both will literally revolutionize how I conduct business.

I was thinking today about how much writing and developing a writing career is a long-distance race. There is no hurrying it - no rushing [even Hocking talks about how her new success may seem quick but underneath that success, supporting it, are years of effort and work]. I'm excited for probably the first time since I started writing. I have a fighting chance. The process is about as flat and approachable, and scalable, as it could ever get. It is wonderful to be a writer in this age we live in. Of course, unless you had wild success in the old system, then I could see how it would be difficult.

For unknowns like me, though, who have nothing to lose, it is a beacon of hope. Never again, at worst, will our writing languish in the darkness of our own minds or hard drives. No. We will write now, and the world will see it. They may not like it - we may not achieve any financial success or become a household name - but we will be read. Even if it is by just one reader. We will be read.

No Writing Today - Yikes!

First day I have not written since I started writing again. I would say this is a bad thing, but it's really not. Every once in a while I simply take a day off on the fly - not sure why. Maybe it's my subconscious taking a break. Who knows. The bad will be if tomorrow I don't jump back into it and write happily. We will see what tomorrow brings.

This morning I woke to a terrible situation. Yesterday afternoon I downloaded a program called TaskUnifier. It is a GTD program that allows you to implement the Getting Things Done organization system - to organize your life. For the last several months I have felt behind on everything. I have felt like I'm letting things slip through the cracks and I wanted to get everything rounded up, processed and put where it was supposed to be.

I tried GTD a year ago and absolutely loved it. But then I stepped back away from the business - just maintaining the status quo - and so I had no need in organizing my tasks. But now I'm wanting to write full time, study all kinds of different subjects for self-enrichment, double our business income in the next year or so, and I just can't keep all the bowling pins in the air. So I downloaded this program to straighten me out.

This was the problem I woke up to this morning. After spending all day yesterday getting my house in order, and the net result being 95 tasks entered into the program, I turned the program on this morning to an empty screen; my tasks were never saved! Good God @#$@#$@#!!!!

I hate computers. Well, not really.

So I made sure I could back up data, and re-tested the system to make sure it would save. So I spent the day re-entering all the tasks and then got started on them. It's so far working, because I actually got two or three tasks done for the business today that I have been wanting to do for months but just haven't gotten around to it. Interestingly enough, I also didn't watch a single tv show on my computer today. Check that out!

Oh. OH. OOOOHHH !!!!

I almost forgot to tell you. The best thing in the world happened to me today. I got my MP4 player in the mail! It is SOOOOOO good to be living my life in stereo again. I can't tell you how BORING my days have been working around the property with no music blaring in my ears. And the player I got, so far, its so much better than the previous one. This one is a Pyrus Electronics Mp3/4/5 Player. Here is the link because I'm just good like that. This thing impressed the @#$ out of me. It powered right up, plugged it into my netbook and came up without software or anything. 4 gigs, plus it has a slot on it for mini cards [have one from my old phone], but haven't got it to work right yet. 

The volume on this thing is INCREDIBLE! Plus it organized by tags, folders, etc. Plus it has a great shuffle - my last one wouldn't shuffle manually (meaning it had to do it, run through the song then skip, if you hit the next button it would go to the next song). This new one was supposed to play any video format I had. Well, of course, not true. It won't play mp4. Go figure. So I converted one of my Big Bang Theory shows to flv and it worked like a dream. Needless to say, tomorrow I will be converting several movies and tv shows to put on this bugger. May even consider converting any new downloaded programs to flv instead of mp4. But I have over 365 movies (yep, hit my target - now I have a different movie for each day of the year) and who knows how many tv shows I have. Not to mention hundreds of audio books, and I made quick work of loading my favorite music on the little bugger this evening [we're talking: Ozzy, Dave Matthews, Michelle Branch, Natalie Merchant; Avril Lavigne, John Mayer, Five for Fighting, etc.] Unfortunately the guy is a bit on the small side, so he doesn't really fit very well into my arm band. But I think I can make do. 

And all for less than $40. What a deal. 

Well, that's it for me. Peace out. Word to your motha! Uh, I mean, see you later. ;-)

Feeling the Groove

I've only been at this writing thing again now for a few days and I'm starting to feel as if I've found a groove. I managed to get about 900+ words written today in SEEKING LIGHT AURORA and finished editing a scene in THE PREPARATION. I've read it over and over again, success at writing is a matter of persistence and consistency. You have to persist against the torrent of rejection and criticism and be consistent in your writing habits - meaning, you have to write and you have to write habitually.

Much of writings allure for me comes in the characteristics that accompany the typical writing career. The very fact that the writer lives much of his/her time in perpetual solitude is so exhilarating to me. You mean I can spend much of my time alone and not be considered "weird" or "abnormal"? Well, I probably still will. I also like the idea that being a writer is very much a life-time pursuit - it IS a vocation. It does not matter if I make money at my writing - any money - and this was something that I really struggled to understand and come to grips with. Herman Melville comes to mind again and again. The poor guy lived in poverty and started writing and wrote for 11 years and tried to make a career out of it. Failed. After 11 years he supposedly gave it up and worked the rest of his life as a customs inspector.  So much for what I heard. It appears as if Melville was successful for a short time with his first few novels, but Moby Dick only made him a grand total of $500 in his lifetime. The point is - writers are SUPPOSED to be poor, destitute, sometimes even a little mad. Herman was considered crazy until his wife got him off the sauce. His writing career would, for all intents and purposes, be considered a failure.  

I want to write. I enjoy writing, as long as I keep myself from getting hung up on the odds of striking the big-time like Stephen King or Stephanie Meyers. In reality, I don't write my stories for other people - I never have. I don't ever remember writing something so someone else could read it. I wrote because it was something inside of me trying to get out. The story wanted to be free and by writing it out, it somehow makes my characters come to life for me. I have written IN THE MEADOW, and now those characters will be with me, living out their lives forever. I will always look back fondly on the experiences and the emotions I felt writing that book - as I do with all my books and with all my characters. They are all a part of me - each one of them an amalgam of different people in my life. I just edited a scene in THE PREPARATION, and got to experience wonderful emotions between two people. It is a blessing to be a writer, a creator. It is a fleeting glimpse of what it must have been like for God when he formed Adam and Eve. 

Being a writer is the perfect fit for me. I spend my free time each day reading books on all kinds of different subjects: math, retirement, business, geography, religion, etc. It is all fodder for my stories. I don't agonize over plot or storyline - they just come to me from the void - and there are so many I don't think it will be possible to ever run short of ideas to write about. 

Like my scientific predecessors - the natural scientists of the turn of the century - I will soon be self-supporting in retirement, and so I will have no need to make money at my writing. Unlike Herman, I have open and ready access to a flat and nearly instantaneous distribution system that puts my work in front of the entire world - at no cost to me. So there is no better time in human history to be a writer. Gone are the days of rejection letters and manuscripts buried at the bottom of the slush piles. Gone are the days of dealing with returns and being dropped from your agent because your sales figures are not what someone else thinks they should be. Now a writer can write whatever he/she wants to write - whatever interests them. We can write, edit, upload to Amazon and move on to the next project and let nature take its course. There is no guarantees with any career. I might make it big and become a household name. More than likely, I will write and sell some books and live my life is relative obscurity. I mean, I had never heard about Amanda Hocking before until I stumbled onto her name in an article. By then, she had already become a millionaire. So, in essence, every writer pretty much lives in oblivion, except to your readers.  And your readers never really know YOU, they just know books that you have written because they happen to have read them.

In the end, it is not real, because we all live in obscurity. At least I get to write about it. Usually can't do that at a nine-to-five.

Website, Facebook, Twitter Updates

Did some work on Facebook, Twitter and Youtube tonight. Also added a few more books to my reading lists at GoodReads dot com. I really like that website. I also got the new book by Paulo Coelho tonight. Never read any of his books, so it should be interesting. It's supposed to be better than the Alchemist.

Word Count, Graphic Artists, Storylines

My new schedule is working splendidly. I was able to get 700+ words this morning and over 1200 words yesterday. SEEKING LIGHT ASTORIA is coming along nicely, though I can still hear that voice whispering at me, telling me I'm no good, telling me I should just give up. But this is my chance and it has literally never been easier to write and publish and have opportunity at a global audience ever before in human history. So I think I'm going to take my chance and run with it.

On the book cover front: I have decided to do my own book covers. I simply cannot afford the $500+ for a mainstream cover designer to do each book and the freelancers I've experienced are sub-par at best. The first one [I really liked her portfolio] simply vanished one day. Luckily I did not pay her anything up front. The next contractor took it upon himself to just start working on the project without me actually hiring him, or telling him he got the job. He was mildly difficult to work with, but if he was going to work on the project without being hired, so be it. If I liked what he did - I would hire him and pay him. If I didn't like what he did - I was not obligated to anything. So we get half way through, and I really liked what he had done so far, but he kept arguing with me about removing a house in the picture. He finally did it, and it looked great. I didn't like the font he used for the title or the way he presented the author name, so I asked him to change it. He starts to get impatient or irritated. He was quoting me $20+ and I told him from the very beginning I could pay $50. So he finally makes the changes I asked for and the type for the author name was WAY too small!

I just tell myself - pay him and get the art work and you can hopefully fix it in Photoshop yourself. Then the guy emails me and wants not only the $50 I quoted as my top budget price, but also the $20+! At that point I had had enough.

So, needless to say, I have downloaded some Photoshop tutorials and will be making a stab at my own covers for the foreseeable future. I've done two mock up so far:

These are not real books I'm working on [though a future book will be set in Astoria, Oregon], but I just wanted to see what I could do in Photoshop. Unfortunately, my graphics card is not powerful enough to run the 3D engine in PS. But, I don't think I will need it - at least, not right now. I downloaded one tutorial video, but it requires INDESIGN and ILLUSTRATOR. So I will just be trying to glean from it the info on PS. It is definitely a step up from my previous two covers for IN THE MEADOW and THE PREPARATION, both of which were done in MSPaint. I really like the blending capabilities in PS.

Anyway, at some point, I would like to write a book about my friend, Mason, and I robbing banks together. No, we've never actually robbed banks before, but it was a fantasy/dream we had when we were kids - what better way to live it than write a story about it. I think one of the characters will be mentally ill - not realizing it of course - and will start seeing demons and crazy things all around while they are robbing the bank. We will see. I would like to get OUR DAUGHTER written first - needless to say my slate is pretty full at this point. The stories just keep coming out of the woodwork.

At any rate, I have to do my editing on THE PREPARATION if I'm going to have any chance of releasing it on Kindle in December. Until next time.

Schedule Changeup

I've done a bit of schedule wrangling today and it has worked out quite well, I think. The last few days back in the saddle [actually writing again] has had some mixed reviews. I quickly started to his a wall, not wanting to write mid-day (which was the schedule I set). So I would procrastinate and push it off "until later", which of course we know "later" never actually comes and a few days went by without writing at all.

So I decided that, if I'm going to actually remain consistent, I needed to prioritize and write first thing in the morning instead of doing all the extra stuff ahead. This morning I got up, showered, ate breakfast, did my morning paperwork in the office, and then went back to my chair and immediately fired up my OpenOffice and knocked out 600 words [target goal currently is 500 / day, and I hope to increase over time - when I wrote my first two books I was averaging 3000 words / day - I'm trying to find a happy medium between not writing and burnout]. Not only did I exceed my target goal on Seeking Light Aurora today, but I also was able to finish the last edit on Chapter 1 of The Preparation.

By doing it all up front, it leaves me the rest of the day to relax and do what I really feel like doing without stressing that I "haven't written today". 

On another front, my graphics artist is AWOL. I have not heard from her in several days, so I decided to start shopping for another one. I put an ad out on the internet for a contract worker, fixed price job for a book cover and I was shocked to get 9 people interested in doing the project - and they all chimed up in less than 24 hours! A number of them are even trying to low ball the competition and under bid my proposed flat rate price.So far there is only one contractor from the bunch whose portfolio I found interesting. And let me tell you, so far, he is amazing! Not only has he started working on the project before I even hired him, he is quoting me half price for the job and he is providing feedback through each step of the process. He picked a background, but I didn't like it. Then he picked another one and I love it. Now he is working on the verbiage and there are a few changes to the background I'm hoping he can make. It is very possible this guy, too, could fall off the edge of the earth just as abruptly as the last contractor did, but I won't be out anything if he does. Here's to crossing my fingers, and kissing some toads.

Overall, today has been a lazy day. I'm getting over a cold and I just feel kind of run down. I've been in my chair most of the day and it's truly a grand life. Let's hope my schedule switchup holds through tomorrow.

Is a Vocation a Legitimate Career?

So I have been wrestling lately with the idea of whether or not I want a career as a writer or a vocation as a writer. All things being equal, I don't need the money, of this I am rather certain. And the concept of having a writing "career" seems a bit disingenuous to me - not sure why. Maybe it's that insatiate demon of doubt that continues to claw at me day in and day out. How could I presume that I am launching a writing "career"? Besides, it's not even legitimate - you are self-published. 

Whatever it might be, I have grown fond of the word "vocation" to describe what it is I hope to do - to accomplish with the rest of my life. Of course, I have borrowed this from monastic thinking, as it was not too long ago that I was considering a monastic vocation of some sort or flavor. This has played out to reveal that I am not much suited for it [unable to submit to the desert theology and cenobitic monasticism is unthinkable - last think I want to do is surround myself with a bunch of people day in and day out], yet I can't help but accept a certain level of my lifestyle to be at least hermitic if not altogether eremitic, in my own extravagant way.

A vocation is a particular occupation for which someone has been trained. I have not been trained for writing, at least formally. But, being an author [more importantly, a writer] does not require any kind of degrees - or even any certain level of writing ability. Just yesterday I was reading a grammar book that described Robert Ludlum's books as garbage from a "correct" standpoint. This made me laugh because, as the author of the grammar book admitted, it may be crap from a grammatical standpoint, but his books still fly off the shelf! 

I have also picked up countless books on library bookshelves and started reading [a few actually made it home with me], discovering that the writing is atrocious at best. And these are books that actually get published by mainstream publishers!

But I like the idea of having a vocation rather than a career. A career seems to smack of greed to me - not sure why. I guess I'm just so alienated by the idea of pandering for sales. I think that's why I like the ebook idea the best. If someone wants to buy my book they will. And it will be cheap! .99 Cents! I think that is damned reasonable. But I don't have to shake anyone's hand. I don't have to quibble over platitudes. Marketing is indirect, or over the internet and typically asynchronous [my favorite], so I'm actually kind of excited about it.

In the end, though, there really is no difference between vocation and a career. Both require work. Both deal with a profession or a trade - a task repeated to the point that it becomes highly fluid, efficient and effective. Maybe there is room for me in the writing world. Maybe not. At least, with the way the market is, I don't have to elbow anyone out of the way, don't have to scramble to find my niche - I can take my time, maintain complete creative control, express myself [or, more to the point, allow my characters to express themselves], and let my work stand or fall on its own merit. 

I don't care about legacy. What does it matter what they say about you after you're dead. You're dead. Well, except for in my stories.

Can't Sleep

Writing is such a slippery slope for me - a double edged sword. In my heart I want to write. I think it is fair to say the desire, the urge, to write comes from my core. But I get so bogged down with self-doubt all too often. For a long time I had no possible shot at even attempting a career as a writer simply because, through the traditional route, there was such a slim to none chance that my writing would ever see the light of day. With ebooks and self-publishing, I at least now have a fighting chance - maybe even a fair chance. I'm no longer brocaded by the gatekeepers.

And that is not to say that my writing is any good. Don't be mistaken. I am okay if my writing never finds an audience. If I leave behind a slew of books that simply occupy server space somewhere until the last microchip shorts out, and no one ever reads my work, I will lay down perfectly satisfied. They say that is a problem, to write just for yourself and not for your readers. But, in reality, that is who I write for: myself. The books I write [and those I want to write] are the books I want to read most. The stories really bother me. The characters literally keep me up at night. Last night I tossed and turned for hours because a man came into my head and wouldn't stop telling me about his life, how he was mentally ill, about his psychologist, about how he would lose his place in the world and his grip on reality and find himself in a completely different reality, where he was some kind of royalty and the kinds of struggles he had drifting aimlessly between the life of a king and that of a homeless pauper. Carolyne bothers me alot now, since I first met her on a road trip from LA - how she lost her boyfriend to a freak stabbing, , moved to a new town to live with a college friend and found out that her friend's family was out for her. Or the Messenger Series, and how it just keeps developing into a massive undertaking. I really think I will be able to get seven books of out it without any trouble. Adi and Katie - and now Karii. The female characters in my books I fall in love with over and over again, and the male characters are all my heroes. I don't know. I guess I'm just weird.

But the self doubt continues and plagues me. I worry that my writing is not good enough. I worry that my stories are not good enough. But, in the end, what does it matter? I don't need the money. I have a job now that I will retire from in 9 years. RETIRE FROM! Literally. And then I can quietly disappear into the woods in a pickup truck and live the rest of my life in comfort and solitude - truly a hermit writer. As a self-publishing author, I never have to worry about agents or publishers or getting book deals. I write what I want to write about. I edit. I revise. I make it perfect for me. Once it is finished and I am satisfied, I then drive into town, upload it to Amazon and it is up for sale forever. No limited runs. No worrying about numbers or sale through figures, or returns. No book signings, no book tours. If people like what I've written then they buy it. And ebooks are SO cheap, the market is exploding. Even my job now provides me with so much free time during the day that it would be crazy for me not to take advantage of it and write. Who knows where it would lead.

At least, at this point, I'm actually doing it. I'm writing again. And editing [which I've had alot of problems with and where much of my self-doubt comes from]. I'm even taking steps to improve by working through grammar and punctuation books/videos - and I'm finding how terribly my public school education failed me on such a simple task - all because I was put in a room full of other kids when they should have let me just go to the library and check out books. I really wish I would have found the Teenage Liberation Handbook when I was a kid. I don't think I would have had nearly as many problems as I have had over the last several years. 

But, there is nothing we can do about the past. It is gone. All I can do is work in the now and plan for the future. I love the world I live in [it's just all the people I have to share it with that drives me crazy]. 

Of a more practical note, I should be hearing back from the graphic artist I hired to do the cover for The Preparation. I'm excited. Her portfolio is wonderful. I can't wait to see what she has come up with.

Welcome to my New Blog

I have decided to move my author blog from Wordpress.com to blogger because the functionality of wp is simply too restrictive. There are many gadgets I would like to use now or in the future, and wp simply doesn't offer them. Blogger does offer them, though. So I hope you enjoy.