Can't Sleep

Writing is such a slippery slope for me - a double edged sword. In my heart I want to write. I think it is fair to say the desire, the urge, to write comes from my core. But I get so bogged down with self-doubt all too often. For a long time I had no possible shot at even attempting a career as a writer simply because, through the traditional route, there was such a slim to none chance that my writing would ever see the light of day. With ebooks and self-publishing, I at least now have a fighting chance - maybe even a fair chance. I'm no longer brocaded by the gatekeepers.

And that is not to say that my writing is any good. Don't be mistaken. I am okay if my writing never finds an audience. If I leave behind a slew of books that simply occupy server space somewhere until the last microchip shorts out, and no one ever reads my work, I will lay down perfectly satisfied. They say that is a problem, to write just for yourself and not for your readers. But, in reality, that is who I write for: myself. The books I write [and those I want to write] are the books I want to read most. The stories really bother me. The characters literally keep me up at night. Last night I tossed and turned for hours because a man came into my head and wouldn't stop telling me about his life, how he was mentally ill, about his psychologist, about how he would lose his place in the world and his grip on reality and find himself in a completely different reality, where he was some kind of royalty and the kinds of struggles he had drifting aimlessly between the life of a king and that of a homeless pauper. Carolyne bothers me alot now, since I first met her on a road trip from LA - how she lost her boyfriend to a freak stabbing, , moved to a new town to live with a college friend and found out that her friend's family was out for her. Or the Messenger Series, and how it just keeps developing into a massive undertaking. I really think I will be able to get seven books of out it without any trouble. Adi and Katie - and now Karii. The female characters in my books I fall in love with over and over again, and the male characters are all my heroes. I don't know. I guess I'm just weird.

But the self doubt continues and plagues me. I worry that my writing is not good enough. I worry that my stories are not good enough. But, in the end, what does it matter? I don't need the money. I have a job now that I will retire from in 9 years. RETIRE FROM! Literally. And then I can quietly disappear into the woods in a pickup truck and live the rest of my life in comfort and solitude - truly a hermit writer. As a self-publishing author, I never have to worry about agents or publishers or getting book deals. I write what I want to write about. I edit. I revise. I make it perfect for me. Once it is finished and I am satisfied, I then drive into town, upload it to Amazon and it is up for sale forever. No limited runs. No worrying about numbers or sale through figures, or returns. No book signings, no book tours. If people like what I've written then they buy it. And ebooks are SO cheap, the market is exploding. Even my job now provides me with so much free time during the day that it would be crazy for me not to take advantage of it and write. Who knows where it would lead.

At least, at this point, I'm actually doing it. I'm writing again. And editing [which I've had alot of problems with and where much of my self-doubt comes from]. I'm even taking steps to improve by working through grammar and punctuation books/videos - and I'm finding how terribly my public school education failed me on such a simple task - all because I was put in a room full of other kids when they should have let me just go to the library and check out books. I really wish I would have found the Teenage Liberation Handbook when I was a kid. I don't think I would have had nearly as many problems as I have had over the last several years. 

But, there is nothing we can do about the past. It is gone. All I can do is work in the now and plan for the future. I love the world I live in [it's just all the people I have to share it with that drives me crazy]. 

Of a more practical note, I should be hearing back from the graphic artist I hired to do the cover for The Preparation. I'm excited. Her portfolio is wonderful. I can't wait to see what she has come up with.